July 17. The day our first baby was due.
During the days and weeks following the loss, I thought about having to face this day. How would I feel without a huge belly or a baby in my arms? It felt like this day was so far off, and yet I wanted it to be here quickly so that I could just move past it.
Today’s the day I dreaded, and rather than the intense sadness I that expected, I feel peace and gratitude. While I wish we never would have had to experience the pain of miscarriage, I can now see it as an opportunity for growth. Yes, I’m sad that we will never watch our baby grow up, but I’m thankful for the way we grew through our grief. My husband and I both took the time to grieve before being ready for our current pregnancy, and I think that time made us stronger, both individually and together.
As I sit writing, I can feel the kicks and wiggles in my belly. To my right, I see an ultrasound photo of our beautiful, healthy, growing baby girl (“Little Miss T”). My phone just buzzed with a notification from the “What to Expect” app, informing me that this little one has entered into a new week and she can now distinguish between light and dark in the womb. With every milestone, ultrasound, doppler measurement and movement, I feel a deeper sense of joy and thankfulness, knowing that these aren’t things to take for granted.
Perhaps today would look different if we weren’t currently expecting. Maybe it would be more difficult without the hope and joy that our daughter has already brought. Maybe not. Everyone has a different journey, and I know that for many people who’ve experienced a miscarriage, they are still in the waiting process when they reach their child’s due date. I think our hope goes deeper than the existence of this new life, and I’d like to believe that I’d still be thankful for the darker season(s), even without any hint of light ahead.
July 17 will remain in my heart, and Mark and I will never forget Baby K. We will allow ourselves the freedom to grieve as necessary, and we will always be thankful for the impact that our tiny baby made on our lives.
Happy due date, sweet one. We love you ❤