As of today, I’ve officially been an amputee for a whole decade.
10 years. That’s wild to think about. Ten years ago, I was a scared 20 year old trying to process the loss of my leg. I had less than 24 hours to prepare for this surgery after my doctor noticed a life-threatening infection. Instead of packing my bags to go on vacation for Thanksgiving, I was packing for a terrifying hospital stay.
Ten years ago, I woke up after a night of little sleep. Even though my leg had been deteriorating for over two years and was excruciatingly painful, I couldn’t imagine actually saying goodbye to my own limb. I wondered what my life would look like, especially since my doctors had told me that this operation was to preserve my life more than to improve it. They warned me that I might not walk again, given the nature of my condition, but that I needed this amputation if I wanted to live any longer. At that point, I wasn’t sure life was even worth living–my days were filled with pain, I couldn’t drive, walk, or have much of a life. I had to leave my independence at college to move back home, and I wasn’t sure what kind of a future was ahead. Still, with little choice, I agreed to give this a chance and chose to do what I could to prove the doctors wrong.
Today, I am listening to two of my three kids playing in the background as I try to squeeze in a moment to write before the third one wakes up from her nap. My stumpy leg now sits (mostly) comfortably in my prosthesis, which has all sorts of wear and tear, evidence of a full and active life. In the past decade, I learned how to walk and drive again. I finally graduated college with four different schools on my transcript. I got married, bought a house, and now spend my days chasing my kids around, living the dream that I was afraid to even allow myself to imagine. I’ve even been able to talk to other people facing amputation, showing them that there is life beyond limb loss. Of course, the past decade has had plenty of ups and downs, but I sure am grateful that I’ve been given the opportunity to experience it all.
Ten years down and a lifetime to go. I couldn’t be more thankful for this life and for all the people who have supported me throughout this crazy journey.
We recently welcomed our third baby into our family. I’m still in awe that my once “broken” body has now given us three tiny humans, but I am overwhelmingly grateful for the opportunity to be the mama to my cubs. Here’s Eleanor Heart’s story…
At the beginning of 2022, I was thinking about what I wanted our family to look like. We were officially past the baby stage with our son Koa, and we weren’t sure if our family was complete or not. I really didn’t feel like we were done having kids, but I thought maybe baby 3 would happen sometime in 2023 after Mark finished school. I quietly began to pray about it and didn’t even bring it up to Mark. A day later, as I was putting Kezia, our 3 year old, to bed, she randomly asked if she could have another brother or a sister. She didn’t know I had been thinking about that, but I guess we were on the same page. I told her to pray about it because I wasn’t going to make that sort of decision anytime soon, so she did.
A couple weeks after the conversation with Kezia, we were driving in the car. “Mom, I want another brother or a sister,” she said. Once again, I told her to pray about it, so she did. “God, can I please have another brother or a sister?” She paused, then quickly said, “Mom, God said yes!” I tried to talk to her about how I love her faith, but that sometimes that “yes” doesn’t come as soon as we think and to not get her hopes up. I was quite certain that I wouldn’t be pregnant anytime soon because we had been taking steps to prevent that from happening.
The day after our conversation in the car, I was scrolling through Instagram when I saw three ads in a row congratulating me on my pregnancy. I thought that was weird, but figured maybe I had googled something about it and my phone gave me those targeted ads. I took a test, just to be sure, and it was negative. Two days later, we were packing to go on a little family getaway with some friends. The cabin we were staying at had a hot tub, so I decided to take a pregnancy test just to be absolutely sure I wasn’t pregnant before using the hot tub. I was shocked when I saw two lines pop up! Mark absolutely did not believe me when I told him. In fact, he didn’t believe me until several days (and a dozen tests) later. I won’t get into his side of the story and how he felt about the whole situation, but let’s just say “excited” was not a word he’d use.
We told the kids about the pregnancy on my birthday. Kezia, of course, was not surprised. A few months later when we had our anatomy scan and told the kids they’d be having a sister, Kezia once again acted as if that was old news. She and Koa both said it was a sister from day one. Kids just know these things.
My pregnancy went very smoothly with no complications. I love being pregnant and soaked up every day of carrying my daughter. Toward the end of my pregnancy, my doctor did an ultrasound and discovered Eleanor was breech. I had the option to have a procedure to try flipping her, which I decided to schedule at first but later canceled because I just didn’t feel peace about it. Instead, we scheduled a C section. I had an unplanned cesarean birth with Kezia, so I knew what to expect. I wasn’t thrilled about the idea because it really wasn’t what I had imagined or planned for, but knew it was not the end of the world. It was really nice to know exactly what day she’d be born so we could make plans for our friends to watch Kez and Koa.
On October 6, Mark and I dropped off the kids and headed to the hospital. It was such a weird experience to walk right in and know that in a few hours we’d be meeting our girl. The nurses and doctors were all fabulous. We did the usual bloodwork, paperwork, and other things. Something went wrong with the IV placement and I almost passed out, and that was probably the most uncomfortable part of the whole procedure. When it was time, I was wheeled into the OR. My doctor asked what music I wanted to listen to, so I chose Broadway. I figured maybe that’d help settle Mark’s nerves as he watched them cut me open. Eleanor Heart was born as a song from Hamilton played. Looking back, maybe I could have chosen a more chill soundtrack, but that’s okay.
They pulled down the drape as soon as she came out and I was able to watch as the doctor cut her cord. Mark followed the team to the warmer to take photos and brought my phone over to show me. Once her exam was done, Eleanor was placed right on my chest. I snuggled her and looked at her tiny features as they finished putting me back together. Mark and Eleanor went to the recovery room first, then I joined shortly after. I had a reaction to one of the medications they gave me at the end and spent most of the day feeling very sick and out of it, but by time Kezia and Koa came to visit at the hospital I was starting to feel better. After that, the recovery process went well. We were back to taking our family walks around the neighborhood within a few days, and now, a month later, I am feeling great.
Many people have asked about her name. Mark and I decided to include Kezia in the name decision, and Eleanor was the only name we all three agreed on. As for the middle name, that was all her big sister’s choice. She came up with it one day and it stuck. We’ve tried out a few nicknames for her, but Kez is always quick to correct us and say, “mom, it’s Eleanor Heart!” So, we’ll see if she ends up with a nickname, but for now it’s mostly Eleanor Heart ❤ She has fit so well in our crazy little family, and we are all beyond thrilled to have her here. Welcome to the world, Eleanor Heart. We love you more than you’ll ever know.
It’s the last day of one of the craziest years many of us have ever experienced. I don’t really think many people are sad to be saying goodbye to 2020, and I, for one, hope 2021 looks a little brighter.
2020. A year much, much different from what most of us expected. I began the year thinking about all the fun things we’d be doing. We had a family vacation planned, I looked forward to taking Kezia on adventures, and I thought about how cool it’d be if we had a 2020 baby. In late January, I discovered that the idea of a 2020 baby would become a reality when I saw two pink lines on a pregnancy test. Mark didn’t believe me at first, but we were excited about this new family member.
January and February were both filled with a lot of sickness, both from pregnancy and from those nasty winter bugs. I remember thinking about how ready I was for spring to come so we’d finally be healthy and able to do things again. I didn’t even know what was about to hit. I had heard bits and pieces about this terrible virus that had been affecting a lot of people, but I figured it was just another big news story that was blown out of proportion.
We all know what March was like. Toilet paper hoarding, pantry stocking, and preparing for two weeks of sitting at home in our pajamas. Mark started working from home, which meant I was tasked with keeping a toddler quiet all day. We soon got into a routine, which admittedly involved more PBS Kids and sugary snacks than I would have liked, but hey, between the constant nausea and the husband working in the basement, that was about all I could do. In late March, I moved into the second trimester of pregnancy. My belly started to look more like I was pregnant and less like I had indulged in too many snacks, although I was home all the time anyway, so it didn’t really matter.
We spent a lot of time outside beginning in April. We went on walks, played in the backyard, and saw friends from afar. It was hard to keep Kezia from her Mini BFFs, but we made it work with driveway hellos and messages on our phones. My belly continued to grow, we celebrated Easter at home, and we told our friends and family that we were expecting. We really could have kept that a secret the whole time, but we couldn’t wait to tell everyone.
May brought lots of sunshine and green grass. We celebrated Mother’s Day, found out that we were having a boy, and started planting our garden. We ate a lot of popsicles, spent a lot of time on the swingset in our backyard, and started a Sunday tradition of going on family walks around town while watching our church service online. Mark and I joined a 100 mile walking challenge, so that gave us both motivation to get moving.
In June, we brought out our tiny swimming pool. Kezia loved splashing around and playing in the water. We kept walking around town, usually stopping at Panera for a to-go order of free coffee and a bagel for Kez. We realized that the whole social distancing thing was going to stick around for a while, so we joined two other families for a “quaranteam.” Allowing Kezia to play with her friends again was well worth it, and I am so grateful for our little pod.
July was much of the same–distanced visits in the backyard with family members, a lot of FaceTime calls, catching up with the neighbors from across the fence, and tending to our garden. I was very obviously pregnant and felt baby boy wiggling around. I wished I could share the joy of feeling baby kicks from the outside with other people, but that’s not really doable from six feet away.
In August, we packed up and left town with some of our closest friends. We went to a house in the middle of nowhere and let our kids run around, play in sand, and just get away from reality for a minute. It was so nice to have a change of scenery and to share time and space with those we love. Mark and I celebrated our anniversary that month with a to-go order of Panera, a trip to the park, and bees swarming our food. Kezia tagged along for our date and she wore two dresses at the same time, because why choose just one?!
By September, we started to clear out our enclosed porch so people could come visit on colder days. That porch is one thing I’m thankful for this year–there’s a window that goes from the porch into our living room, so family members can safely visit from a distance. We had a “quaranteam” baptism for our friends, bought a minivan (thanks, Mark) and prepared for our son to arrive. Waiting for a baby is one of the most nerve-racking things. I wasn’t ready to be done being pregnant, but I was also anxious about him becoming too big. September is my least favorite month, though, so I was really hoping he’d stay in until October. So many mixed feelings, and no control over when this child would make his grand entrance.
We spent the first few days of October soaking up as much time as we could as a family of three after having a false alarm on October 1. We went on so.many.walks, snuggled with Kezia, and tried to get her ready for what was about to happen. On October 9, Koa finally decided he was ready to meet us. That was by far the best day of the year. We brought him home the next day and introduced him to his big sister, who was eagerly waiting for her real-life baby doll to arrive. She truly is the best big sister.
In November, we crunched leaves, cuddled on the couch, and really settled into life as a family of four. We introduced Koa to snow and Kezia excitedly made her very own Olaf the Snowman. We celebrated Thanksgiving at our house and enjoyed a nice meal and relaxing afternoon with our pod friends. We had video calls with family members in the evening and definitely ate pumpkin pie for breakfast the following day.
The glowing lights on our Christmas tree made December feel warm and cozy. We celebrated Kezia’s birthday with pizza and a trip to see drive-through Christmas lights at a park, but soon realized she couldn’t even see the lights because of her car seat. Mom fail. She was thrilled to just be able to see the giant moon that night. I made it a goal to introduce Kezia to my favorite Christmas movies throughout the month. We came to terms with the fact that the holidays would be different this year and planned out porch visits for Christmas. Even though it wasn’t the same as other years, we had a fun time celebrating from a distance. It was special to watch the magic of Christmas through our toddler’s eyes.
The quick summary of my year is this: I found out I was pregnant, stayed home all year to avoid a crazy virus, went on a few hundred walks with my daughter, and gave birth to my son. Boom. It was a hard year for many reasons, most of which I left out because we all know what they are. It was also a sweet year, a year of watching my belly grow, slowing down, becoming more present, and realizing what truly matters.
Thank you to our good friend Melanie for taking family photos!
As of October 9, we are now a family of four!
Mark and I welcomed our son, Koa Robert, into the world on Friday, October 9. Meeting Koa was one of the best moments of my life, and I am so thankful for the redemptive birth experience that I was able to have after a semi-traumatic first labor and delivery, which you can read about here.
Many people have asked how we chose the name. It took about eight months for us to actually agree on it, but Koa (yes, it is pronounced like Noah with a K) is a name that we had been considering long before we were even pregnant. We liked that it wasn’t too common and that it means warrior or brave one, and Mark’s wedding ring was actually made out of Koa wood, so we thought that would be a fun connection. The middle name, Robert, is after Mark’s grandpa, who is one of the most influential people in his life.
If you’re into birth stories, read on! If not, move along. I know that’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I like to have everything written out 🙂
My due date with Koa was October 5. Throughout my pregnancy, my doctor paid close attention to his size, knowing that my daughter was over 9 pounds. I was hoping for a VBAC, or Vaginal Birth after Caesarean, but knew that things could go either way. As we got closer to our due date, I started getting antsy because I had been told that the bigger he grew, the lower the chance of a VBAC.
I had contractions on and off for about the last month of pregnancy, but I didn’t pay much attention because I knew that they weren’t the real deal. About a week before my due date, my doctor did a membrane sweep to encourage things to move along. I didn’t notice anything crazy after that, but a few days later I ended up in triage thinking that my water had broken. We dropped Kezia off at our friends’ house and drove to the hospital, sure that we would be admitted, only to be sent home. I was discouraged and frustrated, but knew that the baby would arrive when he was ready.
My due date came and went, and baby boy was still nice and cozy. My doctor and I discussed options and scheduled an induction for October 9. I was happy to know that no matter what, things would get moving along by the end of the week.
The morning of the 7th, I woke up with strong contractions. I thought for sure this was the real deal. Kezia sweetly helped me breathe through the discomfort. The contractions weren’t awful yet, so we did a lot of walking and tried to stay busy. By the end of the day, we decided to drop Kezia off with our friends and drove 45 minutes to the hospital. As soon as we parked the car, all of the contractions stopped. Of course. We waited in the car for a while and eventually decided to just head home and rest.
The next day, October 8, I had contractions that came and went. I knew something was happening, but tried to just have a normal day and not get too excited. We walked around town some more, enjoyed the nice weather, and had pizza for dinner in the evening. I knew that the induction was scheduled for the next day, so I went to bed and set my alarm for the early morning.
I woke up at 2am on October 9 with unmistakable contractions. I labored alone through the early hours of the morning, trying not to wake anyone up. I called the hospital a few hours later to check on our induction status. At 6am, the nurse told me that I could go in at 7:30 to be induced. I told her that this was good news, because I was definitely in labor already and was going to head to the hospital either way.
Our amazing friend Melanie came to the house while Kezia was still asleep so that Mark and I could make the trip up to the hospital. We made the 45 minute drive, which was not the most comfortable experience, and checked in. I think our nurse quickly realized that we were going to skip the induction process when I had to stop and breathe through contractions on the way to our room.
When the doctor checked me shortly after arriving at the hospital, I was pleasantly surprised to find out I was already 7-8 centimeters dilated. I had expected to be laboring all day, so it was encouraging to know that we were closer to delivering than I thought.
I had gone back and forth about getting an epidural, but in the end I opted to get it just in case we needed to do an urgent C Section like the first time. The epidural process was a breeze and I barely felt a thing, probably because the contractions were coming so frequently.
Things moved pretty quickly after the epidural was placed. After recovering from a dizzy spell that was likely caused by the medication, I felt great. My doctor asked if I’d like her to break my water, and I said yes. After that, it was just a waiting game.
Mark and I decided to start a movie, not knowing how long things would take. We settled in, took some photos, and enjoyed our last “date” before becoming a family of four. I think we were about two minutes into the movie when our nurse came in to tell us we were probably close to pushing. I was so surprised! She had me switch positions to help baby come down more, then called the doctor.
By 11:45, just a little over 4 hours after arriving at the hospital, the room was full of people telling us their names and what roles they’d be playing in the birth of our son. Soon, it was go time. I started pushing around 11:50am. I had gotten to the pushing stage with Kezia’s birth but then needed a C- Section, so at this point I still wasn’t sure I’d get the VBAC that I wanted.
After a few pushes, my doctor said, “well, we definitely won’t be needing a vacuum or a C-Section, because this baby is coming!” That was exactly the motivation I needed. The baby’s heart rate kept decelerating, so they asked if they could perform an episiotomy to get him out faster. At that point, I really didn’t care and told them to do whatever they needed to bring my boy safely into the world.
At 12:10pm, 20 minutes after I started pushing, I saw my handsome boy for the first time. His initial arrival was somewhat alarming because his umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck 3 times, but everyone assured me that they’d take great care of him.
I was able to cut the cord (one of my hopes for this birth!) before they whisked Koa over to the warmer to be checked. He was crying and had a full head of hair. I watched as the doctors assessed and weighed my baby, and was shocked to find out that he was only 7 pounds 13 ounces. Since his size had been a concern throughout my pregnancy, I was happy when I heard this news.
Once the doctors and nurses finished checking Koa, they brought him over to me. Holding my sweet boy and knowing that I had achieved my goal of having a VBAC was one of the best moments of my life. I was quickly stitched up and taken care of, then we were given some time to rest and enjoy some sweet time together before being moved to the Mother/Baby unit.
I have so many thoughts and feelings about Koa’s birth, and I’m extremely thankful for how things went. I’m grateful to my doctor who allowed me to pursue a VBAC, even when none of us were exactly sure if it would happen. I’m thankful for the incredible team at the hospital–our L & D nurse, who was so kind and helpful, the doctors who took care of us, and everyone on the Mother/Baby unit. We were able to go home the day after Koa was born, and we had a very joyful reunion with Kezia once we were back (by the way, she’s the best big sister and absolutely adores baby brother.)
Birth is messy and complicated and unpredictable, and it’s one of those things in life that you just can’t completely control. Nine months of prayers went into this birth experience, and I am blown away by how amazing it was.
Welcome to the world, Koa. You are the perfect addition to our family, and I am so excited to watch you grow (but not too fast ❤ ). You’ve already changed us all for the better. Mama loves you more than you’ll ever know.
Whew. 2020 is only halfway over and it has already been quite the year. It has looked nothing like any of us planned, yet somehow we are all still chugging along and making things work.
Six months ago, I found out I was pregnant with our second child. That was just days before I first heard the word “Coronavirus,” which, at the time, I thought was going to be no big deal. If only. Pregnancy during this pandemic has been weird and different and sad and sweet, all at once. I’ve joked that we really could have kept this whole pregnancy a secret since we haven’t been out much in the past few months anyways. It will be weird welcoming our son into a world of masks and social distancing rather than kisses and snuggles, and it will be hard to not be able to share his newborn sweetness in person with friends and family like we did when his sister arrived. Still, this time has been sweet as we have had an abundance of one-on-one time with Kezia before her world gets flipped around, and my growing belly is a sign that hope isn’t cancelled. There is still a future beyond our current circumstances.
Parenting a toddler during this time has also been a bit different. Before the pandemic, I imagined that this summer would be filled with zoo trips, beach adventures, vacations, and time with family and friends. Now, the most exciting public outing we have each week is usually a walk to Panera to pick up a curbside order of free coffee for myself and a bagel for Kezia, or sometimes a family walk to the local ice cream shop to get watermelon slushies to-go (yes, we walk a lot, and I love it.) Don’t get me wrong–we have certainly made the most of these adventures and we’ve learned to not take the simple things for granted, but it’s just not what any of us had planned. I’m sad that family members are missing out on watching Kezia grow and change in person, but I’m thankful that technology has allowed us to stay in touch. I’m glad that she is still young and won’t remember the fear and uncertainty in the world right now. I’m also thankful that we now have a swingset, water table, garden, and toys in our big backyard to keep her busy and entertained, especially since Mark was working from home until this week.
There are a lot of lessons to be learned during this time of change. We are learning what really matters, we are recognizing the need to take care of ourselves and those around us, and we are figuring out how to adjust to a new normal. We’ve become more aware of the need to fight for safety and peace for all, especially those who are being oppressed. It’s a weird time to be alive, that’s for sure, but I’m hopeful that we will all come out stronger after it’s over.
That’s where I am today. Nothing super deep or anything, just some thoughts on life. My own personal worries and struggles related to the current situations are minor compared to people fighting for their lives and working hard to save the lives of others, and I have deep respect and gratitude for all those on the front lines.
Be safe, friends. Follow your local guidances. Love others. Wear a mask–not just to keep yourself safe, but to keep those around you safe. Keep on keeping on. We’ll get through this (from a distance) together. Peace.
There’s a song that has been stuck in my head for a few days by JJ Heller called The Sun Will Rise. She wrote it as a lullaby for her girls, and I sing it to my own daughter, but it is also relevant during this crazy time that often feels dark and gloomy.
It’s hard to go online, turn on the TV, or even have a conversation with someone without seeing or hearing something about this pandemic that is rapidly sweeping through the globe. When the news first started talking about this whole virus, I, like many, brushed it off. I didn’t realize the impact it would have on all of our lives.
My toddler and I have not gone beyond walking distance of our house in over six weeks, and there’s no telling how much longer we will be in isolation. Aside from rare bits of time spent outside when the weather is nice, we have been staying busy with play doh and paint and everything I can think of while my husband, who is now working from home, takes phone calls and responds to emails in our basement. As a regular stay-at-home mom, taking care of my daughter and keeping her entertained all day is nothing new. My daily life hasn’t changed a whole lot on the outside, but at the same time, it feels like a lot has changed.
This virus has shaken up all of our lives. We are all adjusting to not being able to do many of the things we once took for granted. We are watching as the rates climb each day and wondering how we can help. We are staying home, not knowing when we will be able to go back out. We are hoping and praying that this will end soon and that our loved ones will stay safe.
In the midst of the cancellation of vacations and fear of the unknown and the sadness of not being able to hug our loved ones, I’ve been encouraged by the connection and community that has emerged. Kezia and I have been able to FaceTime with family members and friends who normally wouldn’t have as much time to sit and chat. Mark and I have had great conversations with neighbors (while maintaining a distance, of course.) I’ve seen people in the community work together to make sure people are fed and taken care of. We have had more time together as a family without needing to rush around. Businesses have offered some really great resources such as virtual museum tours, free classes, and online story time for kids. In this time of uncertainty, beauty is still here. Hope is still here. You may have to look a little harder, but it can be found.
Sometimes it feels like forever when it’s dark outside Baby, the sun will rise, Baby, the sun will rise however long the night. (JJ Heller)
Happy (late) 2020, friends! Of course I’m a few days behind, but who cares?! Now that I have a (rare) quiet moment with the computer keys all to myself, I thought I’d take a second to reflect on the last decade…because that seems to be what everyone’s doing these days, and the past ten years have been quite the adventure.
2010: I started the decade with dreams of death. I was in a dark place, deep in an eating disorder and depression, with little hope. After spending a few months in treatment in 2009, I came home and was on a waiting list for a different place called Mercy Ministries (now called Mercy Multiplied). It was my last-ditch effort. In June of 2010, I packed my bags and moved to Nashville. I was 16 at the time and gave up my phone, time with friends and family, and basically everything familiar to live in a home with 40 other girls who were struggling with life-controlling issues. This was one of the best decisions of my life.
2011: I graduated from Mercy in February. I was a completely different person. I had hope, I felt confident, I was healthy, and I finally had peace. That summer, I met my now-husband, Mark, at drama camp. He tells the story by saying there was a cute girl sitting by the trash can at lunchtime, and he thought I looked lonely. We became friends. Just friends.
2012: The beginning of a few years of darkness. Mark and I went our separate ways after I rejected his idea of dating and totally ghosted him (I liked him, but the timing wasn’t right.) I moved across the state to go to college. The night before classes began, I participated in a dorm activity that destroyed my right leg. As I sat on the edge of the pond that night, I knew something was wrong but I had no idea just how bad it would get. I left school and went to the Cleveland Clinic for several months of treatment for what was thought to be just a flare of RSD/CRPS.
2013: I spent the first two months in Cleveland, and eventually went home with a foot that was still excruciatingly painful and swollen. My knee was locked and I couldn’t straighten my leg. I was on crutches with little hope of ever walking again. I decided to go back to school that fall, but had an episode of full-body CRPS in August. I went back to Cleveland, regained function of my arms and left leg, and still couldn’t use my right leg. I left the hospital in time to attend school in September.
2014: I finished a year of school, then decided to move back home. My leg was getting worse each day. The pain was insane, my skin was breaking down, I had an ulcer on my foot, and I didn’t know what to do. I went back to Cleveland later in the year and was diagnosed with Lymphedema. I started treatment for that, but was soon referred to a vascular surgeon, “Dr. Hero.” We decided to try special wraps and things on my leg, but eventually, I developed an infection and was told I needed to have my leg amputated. November 2014 was one of the best and worst months. I was terrified and didn’t know how amputation would affect my life. The doctors said it would only save my life, not make it any better.
Mark also came back into my life in 2014 and we began dating. We made a game out of counting how many people stared at my missing limb. This game helped ease the awkwardness of going out in public with an obvious difference.
2015: I accomplished a lot this year. I received my first prosthesis in February, learned how to walk and drive again after 2+ years, participated in a 5K at the hospital in the spring, went to the Central Park RSD/CRPS 5 mile walk in the summer, enrolled in college again close to home, moved states, and did a few more races. Basically, I did everything I could to prove the doctors wrong and show them that I could live a full life post-amputation.
2016: A busy year. I went to college number 4, got engaged to Mark, planned a wedding, lost relationships with some family members, and got married. I moved states again (back to the original one), started a new job at the pizza place Mark managed, and thought I graduated college…only to be told after the ceremony that I still needed to take one more class. I was glad I opted out of the ceremony. That would’ve been awkward.
2017: I switched jobs and helped open a new frozen yogurt place, worked a lot, loved getting to know my customers, actually graduated, worked some more, found out I was pregnant, and went through a miscarriage. Mark and I began house hunting and put an offer on a house.
2018: We bought a house, found out I was pregnant again, left our jobs, enjoyed a more relaxed schedule, and prepared for our girl. Mark found a new job that he loves. We welcomed Kezia in December and life became so much brighter (although my face would tell you otherwise, thanks to sleep deprivation. Totally worth it.)
2019: We settled into life as a family of three. We savored each moment and found joy in watching our daughter discover the world around her. We became more involved in church leadership and developed deeper relationships with friends who are more like family. There were some parts of the year that were definitely more difficult than others, but overall, it was pretty great.
Phew, what a decade. There are tons of things I missed in that recap, but that’s the general idea. Many years felt like they went by so slowly, but I cannot believe it’s already 2020. I hope this next decade brings less pain, more babies, reconciliation of relationships, joy, and peace.
Yesterday was so full of fun and food and family that I didn’t have time to sit down and write, so here I am, candle lit, cup of chai on one side of my computer and baby monitor on the other, attempting to squeeze some words in before my tiny sidekick wakes up and asks for breakfast (which will most certainly include leftover sweet potato casserole, because…Thanksgiving).
Thanksgiving week is one of those weeks that holds so many memories, for better or worse. My mom and I were talking about how one of our favorite Thanksgivings was when I was in the hospital for my amputation. Our amazing friends and family helped to make that a memorable experience, despite the challenging circumstances.
In addition to my hospital Thanksgiving in 2014, other years come to mind. There was the year that I was so stressed out about the idea of having to eat in front of other people because I was in the trenches of Anorexia, and the one after that when I spent Thanksgiving celebrating the gift of healing in a girls’ home with 40 other people who were also trying to get their lives back. I remember the Thanksgiving Day two years ago when we had planned on announcing our pregnancy to our family, only to spend the day mourning the loss of that baby. I think of last Thanksgiving when Mark and I canceled all plans and decided to spend a sweet day at home, just the two of us, awaiting our miracle baby’s arrival. Thanksgiving has its highs and lows, and the darker days make me even more grateful for the ones in which I’m truly smiling.
Yesterday, as we gathered around our dining room table with family and very full plates, I felt so thankful. Thankful for my daughter who was (finally) taking a nap upstairs. Thankful for the mental freedom to pile food on my plate without worrying about calories or fat or what people might think. Thankful for a loving family that I was welcomed into by marriage, and for the family members who were celebrating elsewhere. Thankful for our warm and safe home, especially as we received news of someone else whose home had burned down overnight. Thankful for health and happiness and life, remembering that five years ago this week, my life was literally at stake. There is so much to be thankful for, and we are so blessed.
Well, I hear the familiar sound of my husband’s phone alarm and my daughter’s cries for mama, so it’s time to go live this amazing and full life. Thanks for stopping by, and I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. ❤
I was looking through the search terms that lead people to this site, and I found a few things that popped up over and over. The most common question was about sleeping with a prosthetic leg, but there were some others as well. So, I figured it was time to make another Amputee FAQ! A while back, I wrote about Prosthetic Leg FAQs and My Amputation FAQ’s, so check those out if you’re interested. Keep in mind, I’m a Right Below Knee Amputee (RBKA), so these answers are based on my personal experience.
Can you sleep while wearing a leg prosthesis? Can you? Sure. But it’s definitely not comfortable. After I had my daughter, I had a ton of lower extremity swelling and decided it was best to leave my prosthesis on (once I could actually wear it, which was days after giving birth) rather than risk it not fitting again. This was a horrible idea. I ended up having skin issues because I didn’t give my skin any time to air out, and I’m pretty sure my swelling only increased. So, from personal experience, I would not recommend sleeping with a prosthetic leg.
What is pregnancy like as a leg amputee? Well, I’ve only experienced pregnancy as an amputee, but I’d say it wasn’t much different than pregnancy with two legs. As mentioned above, the swelling was an issue, especially after delivery, but next time I’ll know to bring a bigger leg to wear until any pregnancy/postpartum swelling decreases.
Can you drive/how do you feel the pedals? Yes, I can drive. I have to adjust my seat (way too close to the steering wheel if you ask anyone who has tried to drive my car) so that my foot is at the correct angle for the pedals since I can’t move my right ankle, but driving doesn’t feel that much different as an amputee. Just like with walking, I sort of just feel the pressure and movement through my knee and upper leg and use that as a guide for how/where to press the pedals.
How long will your prosthetic leg last? It took a while after my amputation for my residual limb to adjust enough to have a more permanent leg. I went through several test sockets to find the right fit. It’s been almost 5 years since my amputation and I’m on my second finished leg, which I”ve had for 3 years. It works fine for now, but I will probably get a replacement in a few years. Legs are not cheap, so I’m going to try to make this one last as long as possible…which means I probably shouldn’t wear in the water at the beach. Speaking of the beach…
What is it like to swim as an amputee? I usually take my leg off when I go swimming, but this is something that I still struggle with. The swimming part is fine, but the logistics of getting into deep enough water and taking off my leg when at the beach, or leaving my leg on the side of a pool, or trying to hold my daughter and swim with one leg are tricky. Technically, I can swim with my prosthetic leg, but it’s bulky and tends to get rusty when I use it in the water. I really hope to get a swimming leg someday…but we’ll see about that.
Can you fly in an airplane if you’re an amputee? Of course! Getting through security can be a hassle, but it’s usually not too bad. If you will be flying for a long time, I’d recommend getting up and walking or somehow moving around in the plane so that your leg doesn’t swell.
Those are the only questions I can think of right now, but if you have any others, feel free to ask away!
We recently decided to go on a spontaneous family outing to see The Lion King. We had talked about going for a while, but we weren’t sure if it would be a great idea to go to the movies with a young child. However, this particular film holds sweet memories for us, so it just felt like something we should do. Mark and I went on our first “friend date” (it was not a date, as I truthfully told my dad that day) to see The Lion King 3D, we listened to the Lion King soundtrack the day he proposed years later, and our wedding party walked down the aisle to “Can You Feel the Love Tonight.” That said, it only seemed fitting that this would be Kezia’s first movie.
Ok, back to the point…In the movie, Mufasa and his son Simba are having a conversation about bravery. Simba comments on how his dad is so brave, and Mufasa reveals that he is brave when bravery is required, but he doesn’t go looking for trouble. I found it interesting how it’s easy to look at people and admire how brave they are, but sometimes we miss the fact that they are often trembling on the inside. Perhaps that makes the bravery even more meaningful.
Lately, I have been working on bravery. As someone with a tendency to be fearful, I’ve been challenging myself to do it afraid. Normally, my first instinct is to shy away from things that make me nervous or uncomfortable. I have recently started to realize that life is so much bigger than the blocks in my mind, and I need to break through some mental barriers so that I can experience everything that the world has to offer.
If the only thing that is stopping me from doing something, especially something beneficial, is fear, then my challenge to myself is to give it a try. Typically, the worst-case scenarios that I make up in my head don’t actually happen–or if they do, I can handle them. By leaning into fear, my world has really opened up. I’ve met more people, experienced new things, and said yes to things I’d normally decline. It’s not easy by any means, but for the most part, it’s been worth it.
Want to join me on this challenge? The next time you’re tempted to decline an opportunity simply because you’re afraid, say yes. Lean in. Give it a chance. If it’s completely awful, you don’t have to continue. But you never know what could happen if you expand your mind and try something new!
The Elephant In The Room 