Why I am Grateful for my Amputation

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” the social worker told me, sadness in her eyes. I thanked her quietly, but inside, I had a different response.

“It’s not like someone just died. I lost part of my leg, not a life. And I am not sorry about it.” I kept my thoughts to myself, not wanting to offend anyone. But one of the hardest things about the process of having an amputation is the responses of others. Okay, not the responses…just the sadness. The way that their hearts are broken while mine feels like it is being put back together.

I guess it’s hard for anyone to see joy and happiness in the fact that their loved one has had a life-changing surgery. I mean, we want the best for our friends and family, so hearing that they had to have a limb chopped off isn’t exactly good news. But for me, for my situation, amputation was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of being heartbroken by the situation, I have been filled with a new sense of hope. Of course, I was scared and went through a spectrum of emotions before the surgery. But now, am I sad? Mad? Angry? Not a chance.

In my mind, amputation was the miracle I never knew I needed. Yes, it’s true that I never imagined that I would call myself an amputee at the age of 20, but with everything that had happened, amputation was a complete lifesaver…literally. Since going under the knife, I’ve felt more joy and had more genuine smiles than I have in two years. I’ve experienced a new gratitude toward life. I’ve felt more like myself, more like the person I was before my leg was taken over by various diagnoses. Even though this isn’t what I would have chosen for my life, now that I’ve gone through it, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Each time I rest my leg and stumplet on the bed or cover the lower half of my body with a cuddly blanket, I am grateful. I cried big, happy tears after surgery when I realized that for the first time in two years, a blanket didn’t send my pain soaring. Every moment that I can laugh with friends and family, I am thankful. With each new day that I realize I don’t have to deal with the dressing changes and messiness of my wound-laden foot, I am overjoyed. There are so, so many wonderful things that have happened as a result of my amputation, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

In case you’re wondering, amputation is not exactly an easy process and I would not recommend it to anyone unless it was absolutely necessary. I mean, I have a long road ahead and I still deal with pain. I’ve had to adjust to how life is changing as a result of my surgeries.  There are still challenges and I still have my concerns. It’s not some overnight, simple fix and I’m sure I will have my moments of uneasiness and uncomfortable emotions, but as a whole, I couldn’t be happier.

If you see me around or want to talk to me about my amputation, that’s fine. You don’t have to scoot around it or feel awkward about approaching the issue. Talking about it isn’t going to cause me to fall into a puddle of tears. It’s part of my story, a piece of my life, but it is not something that I feel bitterness or anger about. All the sadness in the world couldn’t grow my leg back, so I feel like staying positive and keeping the humor alive is a much better plan. Losing my leg hasn’t changed who I am as a person. It hasn’t broken me. It hasn’t stolen my joy. If anything, amputation has made me more myself. It has restored broken pieces that I didn’t know how to repair.

It may take knowing the details of the months leading up to surgery for people to understand the depth of relief that I felt when I saw the gap between my knee and the end of the bed. I think I’ll save that story for another day, but know that the past two weeks have been better than most of the past two years.

When I say I’m happy, I mean it. I am grateful for my amputation, and life. is. good.