From Fear to Freedom

Last night, I had the honor of sharing a bit about my life at Hope Fellowship.  I had a great time meeting new people and hearing about their own lives after telling them about mine.  One thing that I talked about was how I went from fear to freedom through the most unexpected circumstance, the amputation of my leg.

You see, I’ve always been a fearful person.  I’ve struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember.  I mean, even Disney movies made me lose sleep on more than one occasion as a kid.  (Beauty & the Beast and I have since made amends, just for the record.)  But really, fear held such a tight grasp on me that it was often paralyzing.  I couldn’t move forward with my life when I was stuck in the chains of fear.  Time and time again, I have been faced with situations that have tested my limits, but I never thought amputation would ever make it to the list of fears I’ve conquered.

I always expected to reach the grave one day with all my limbs intact.  Whenever I heard about someone having their leg or arm amputated, I tried to remind myself that that would never happen to me.  After all, I have CRPS, and if you’ve talked to me or read this blog for any length of time, you probably know how I feel about amputation as a treatment for CRPS. (Don’t do it.)  When I heard that amputation was a possibility for my situation because of my life-threatening infection, I was overcome with fear.

My fear of amputation was almost greater than my fear of death, but I didn’t have a choice.  There was no way that my doctor (or my parents) would let me succumb to my illness.  Despite my debilitating fear, I was forced to face this giant head-on.

When I woke up after my surgery, I felt like I could conquer anything.  Well, actually, scratch that.  My initial reaction after surgery was nausea and sleepiness.  But once that wore off, I realized that I had overcome one of my biggest fears.  In that moment, I knew that it didn’t matter what life tried to throw at me.  I had been dancing with death and fighting with fear, but all of that faded away when I realized that I had the strength to overcome.

There’s a certain level of relief that comes when you finally face your fears.  Sure, it may not feel great in the moment (like when I was being strapped to the operating table and was scared out of my mind…they probably should’ve given me stronger “happy meds”), but after it’s over, you feel a greater sense of strength and bravery.  The fact that you survived the thing that held you back gives you the push to get out of your comfort zone more often.  Or at least to be courageous enough to get through it when you’re forced into the unknown.

I am by no means fearless, but I am definitely embracing a time of greater freedom than I’ve had in years.  For so long, I let fear dictate my life.  The fear of people left me isolated.  The fear of food left me starving.  The fear of pain prevented me from taking risks.  The fear of the future held me back from chasing my dreams.  The fear of doctors left me with a deteriorating body and nowhere to turn.  The fear amputation could have cost me my life.  One by one, I had to face those fears.  At one point or another, each of these things held a tight, suffocating grip on me.  But not anymore.  Now, I know that facing my fears brings about far greater freedom than I knew was possible.

Are you living a life of fear or freedom? Fear keeps you stuck, but choosing faith rather than fear allows you to experience freedom and joy life you’ve never known before.